Condolence
Ways of offering condolences in Finland
Offering condolences is an essential part of Finnish bereavement etiquette. The most common way is a verbal expression of sympathy: "My condolences" or "I share in your grief." At a memorial service and funeral service, condolences are offered in person with a handshake or a hug. Written condolences are traditionally made with a condolence card, which often has a black border. Nowadays, text messages, emails and social media messages have also become common, especially among younger generations.
Sending flowers to the funeral is an established form of condolence. A floral arrangement is ordered through the funeral home or flower shop, and a ribbon with a sympathy text is attached. Increasingly often, the family expresses a wish in the death notice for memorial donations to a named charity instead of flowers. This practice has become common since the 2000s.
Condolence cards and addresses
A condolence card uses a restrained, respectful tone. In the traditional form, the card is white or light-coloured, possibly with a black border. The text includes a short expression of sympathy and may include a personal memory of the deceased. In workplaces, associations and friend groups, a condolence address is often collected, with several people writing their name and a brief message. The address can be delivered to the family at the memorial service or by post.
Expressions to avoid in condolences include clichés that belittle the grief. Phrases such as "life goes on", "they lived a long life" or "at least they didn't suffer" can feel hurtful to the bereaved, even though the intention is good. Sincere simplicity works best: "I remember them with warmth" or "I am here for you if you need me" conveys sympathy without dismissal.
Cultural differences and modern practices
In Finnish culture, offering condolences has traditionally been restrained and understated. The Nordic tendency to favour privacy in grief is reflected in not pressuring the bereaved to talk, while sympathy is clearly expressed. In multicultural Finland, it is good to be aware that in different religious and cultural backgrounds, condolences may differ from the Finnish way. In Orthodox tradition, remembrance is also shown by visiting the cemetery on certain holy days. In Islamic tradition, the mourning period and manner of condolence follow their own practices.
Digital condolences have become more common in recent years. Social media memorial pages, where memories and condolences are shared, are for many a natural way of expressing sympathy. At the same time, new etiquette questions have arisen: when is a digital condolence sufficient and when does the situation require a more personal approach.
Condolences and the significance of the obituary
The death notice and obituary are also the starting point for condolences. They indicate when and where the funeral and memorial services are held and guide the expression of sympathy. The death notice often mentions whether the family wishes flowers, memorial donations or quiet remembrance. An obituary or memorial article may include information about how the deceased wished to be remembered, which also guides the tone and form of condolences.
Frequently asked questions
What should you say when offering condolences?
The most important thing in offering condolences is genuine sympathy. A simple 'My condolences' or 'You are in my thoughts' is sufficient. You can also mention a memory of the deceased or express how they affected your own life. Avoid phrases such as 'I know how you feel', 'time heals' or 'they are in a better place', unless you know they suit the bereaved person's beliefs.
When should condolences be offered?
There is no strict deadline for offering condolences, but traditionally they are offered as soon as possible after learning of the death. A condolence card or message can be sent within weeks. It is better to express sympathy late than not at all. At a memorial service, condolences are offered in person.
How are condolences expressed in writing?
Written condolences can be expressed by card, letter or nowadays also by message. A short, sincere sympathy text is written on the card. In the traditional form, a black border is used on the card. A condolence address collects the signatures of several signatories. An electronic message is now an accepted way, especially for more distant acquaintances.
Can a gift accompany condolences?
Yes. The most traditional condolence gift is a floral arrangement for the funeral. Nowadays, many families wish for a memorial donation to charity instead of flowers, which is often mentioned in the death notice. A condolence address is also a traditional form. Practical help, such as bringing food to the grieving family, is a valuable way of showing sympathy.
Related terms
A notice published in a newspaper or online announcing a person's death, containing basic information about the deceased and the funeral.
A death notice or memorial writing published in a newspaper that tells about the deceased's life and significance.
A black ribbon or strip of fabric worn on the arm or clothing as a sign of mourning.
The first year after a loved one's death, traditionally associated with observing a mourning period and known as the most difficult period of the grief process.
Read also
Memorial service etiquette: dress code, behaviour, phone use, and the right words. A guide to good manners at a Finnish memorial service.
Grief after suicide: processing guilt and shame, forms of support, and recovery. A guide for loved ones facing the aftermath of suicide.
Grief during holidays: Christmas, Easter, and milestones without a loved one. Practical tips and support for holiday grief.